“No, seriously, I can't do this.” Out of fear, out of anxiety, out of the lack of faith, how many times did this response come out from our lips when we were entrusted to things outside our comfort zone?
There was a time I being assigned to a task in which I didn't have confidence at all, and didn't even know how to picture myself in it. I understood it was for God, but I didn't see how I could get it done with all my limitations and incompetence, and I predicted a high chance of becoming a burden to the group more than a help. For the thirty minutes after I received the notification, I was in great disturbance.
And apparently we are not the first and only ones who react this way. When God or His angels showed up and conveyed calling, two of the first few words were always “fear not”. To Moses, to Joshua, to Jeremiah, to Ezekiel, and to Mary. Fear of uncertainty is not something God intends for, yet it appears to be a common reaction when something overwhelming comes up.
A while ago I was thinking about if it is okay to say “it costs me something to serve God.” I mean, everything including our breath and strength is from Him, would it be too ungrateful to say so? And even worse, would it sound like we are measuring to God, the giver of every blessing? Nevertheless, if we say “it costs me nothing to love God” and if we really mean it, there may be two possible reasons. First, we embrace an enormous sacrificial love to God that we don’t care about any cost and consider nothing as sacrifice if it is all for Him. I know I am quite far away from this. Second, it really doesn’t cost us that much because we aren’t pouring out so utterly.
When David was called to build an altar for God on the threshing floor of a guy named Ornan, he went up to Ornan and asked him to sell his land at its full price. Ornan told David to take it for free, and just do what seems good to David. As a king, I believe David had every right to receive Ornan’s offer. However, David responded in this way, “No, but I will buy them for the full price. I will not take for the Lord what is yours,nor offer burnt offerings that cost me nothing.” (1 Chronicles 22:24)
We all would agree that the most faithful and humble and purest heart would be to love God to an extent that we don't even bother to count anything as a “sacrifice” or “cost”, but just pour out everything and rejoice in this privilege to serve Him. Compare to this, saying “it costs me something to serve God” might seem like a mean thing. These two mentalities seem like two extremes. However, I do believe it is unavoidable to walk through the latter state in order to gradually learn to reach the former pure heart.
And I also believe it is exactly through choices we make one after another to still pay the price to love Him would we come to understand more and more of His unreserved love, and how much it cost Jesus to redeem us. This revealing understanding will tender our heart, and lead us onto the path where we care less and less about what we own, or what our fear is. Knowing that God even gave His only son to fulfill the law and to die for us so unreservedly, what else should we reserve from Him in our life? The life that He made such a great sacrifice to redeem.
There may still be cost or sacrifice we are uneasy about. Sometimes it requires tangible sacrifice like money or material possessions. But more often it requires our time, our courage to step out from the comfort zone and go into deeper water, our letting go of things that are precious to us, an extravagant humility, an immense obedience, and even a tremendous faith to walk by faith but not by our sight. It is okay to feel that it requires us sacrifice, it costs us something to really love Him. But what matters more is, would we say “yes” in those occasions, out of the love to Him? He has proved His steadfast love and faithfulness to us, would we care enough to prove our faithfulness in loving Him?
After all, true love is not only about pour out love in ways we enjoy or feel most comfortable. When Abraham put Isaac, his beloved son, on the altar of burnt offering, I believe he neither enjoyed nor felt comfortable about it. But out of love, He chose to sacrifice his beloved. I believe this “yes” truly truly moved God’s heart.
Even in the midst of reluctance, would we still say, “Yes, God, I don't want to do it. But I will still do it, because I love you”?
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