Sometimes when certain situation comes, it turns out to be hard to reconcile the ultimate goal of loving You and the efforts it requires on a wide range of aspects. Or more precisely, I don't know how some of the things I'm doing can actually glorify You. But I pray that You be my vision. For Your thoughts are not my thoughts, neither are Your ways my ways. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are Your ways higher than my ways, and Your thoughts than my thoughts. (Isaiah 55:8-9)
And Jesus, the conviction today has been so strong that it appeared like a crash. What the world teaches us is so completely different from Yours. Pretence, despite of being a fishy thing, has become a norm, if not daily practice, for so many people in this circle. It is nothing new. I recalled what Prof D. once told me that things were exactly the same even back in the 70s. Pretend to know the answers while we actually don't; pretend to have read the book while we actually haven't; pretend we can easily come up with brilliant thoughts and ideas while we actually can't... It becomes so hard to tell whether the final goal is to contribute to the knowledge body or to self reputation. Though I always doubt whether the former one should be adopted as the greatest purpose of one's life, given the possibility, if not historical evidence, that one would justify horrible decisions under the crown of contributing to knowledge and rationalisation. Under this culture is it even possible to not be self-centered?
Every parent tells their kids lying is a wrongdoing. Yet when the kids grow they would naturally come to realise this "wrongdoing" as a survival skill.
Everyone knows that no one can finish the book list, yet neither does any one be allowed to write a manageable and reasonable list. We ARE expected to pretend, and to make things up. This is the connoted game rule.
Jesus, I don't have enough confidence to proclaim "I'll be a person I desire to be, and I will be loyal to my own heart." Nonetheless, I would at least pray for not turning into the one I dislike today.
I gradually grasp a better understanding on Your teaching, "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23)" While intelligence, skills, and ways of thinking and alike are somehow trainable; our heart forms the foundation of life yet it can remain so flip that results in the weakening of core life values.
Jesus, I know it just takes a little while longer, and the journey will be so rewarding. I just need a bit more faith to hang on. And thanks for sending angels to bring in encouragements. An unexpected message from an unexpected friend, a short conversation in my third language reaffirmed my determination to change. Yes, ivory tower should not be my destination. You're so abundant that I can't contain myself from sharing with others! Be it a few words of encouragement and hope, a short yet meaningful prayer time, or whatever You call me to do!
Give me an unquenchable fire!
Jesus, I don't have enough confidence to proclaim "I'll be a person I desire to be, and I will be loyal to my own heart." Nonetheless, I would at least pray for not turning into the one I dislike today.
I gradually grasp a better understanding on Your teaching, "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life. (Proverbs 4:23)" While intelligence, skills, and ways of thinking and alike are somehow trainable; our heart forms the foundation of life yet it can remain so flip that results in the weakening of core life values.
Jesus, I know it just takes a little while longer, and the journey will be so rewarding. I just need a bit more faith to hang on. And thanks for sending angels to bring in encouragements. An unexpected message from an unexpected friend, a short conversation in my third language reaffirmed my determination to change. Yes, ivory tower should not be my destination. You're so abundant that I can't contain myself from sharing with others! Be it a few words of encouragement and hope, a short yet meaningful prayer time, or whatever You call me to do!
Give me an unquenchable fire!
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