(BP) True humility

“Chris, say you are faithful.” A close friend commanded me. The room ran into complete silence. Even if a needle dropped on the ground would have caused a blare.

“You are faithful.” Sitting on the floor, I avoided her gaze and said so.

“No. Say ‘I am faithful.’” She pressed in.

“I am a bit faithful…” I mumbled like grumpy. Even an infant could tell I was just trying to stop the mouth of my friend in the most insincere way one can ever imagine of.

“No, Chris. Say ‘I am faithful’ until you mean it.” She wouldn't relent, like a seafood-lover wouldn't let go of a running Japanese sashimi plate.

This conversation happened when I was in a trap of self-condemnation a while ago. It formed a heavy burden in my heart.

This morning I was reading a story in the Gospel of Luke. It talks about Jesus laid hands on a woman on the Sabbath, who had a disabling spirit in her for 18 years, and couldn’t fully straighten herself. After this miracle, the ruler of the synagogue was mad and condemned the people there. It provoked the anger of Jesus. “‘You hypocrites! Does not each of you on the Sabbath untie his ox or his donkey from the manger and lead it away to water it? And ought not this woman, a daughter of Abraham whom Satan bound for eighteen years, be loosed from this bond on the Sabbath day?’ As he said these things, all his adversaries were put to shame, and all the people rejoiced at all the glorious things that were done by him.” (Luke‬ ‭13:10-17‬)

There may be people who act like the ruler of synagogue in the story to pass judgments on us. Nonetheless, there are also occasions in which we ourselves became the ruler of synagogue, to put on burdens and condemnations that are not from God on ourselves. Being faithful to constantly seek God and walk in His path is indeed not easy. There are times we are not diligent enough. There are times we simply don't know what His will is for us. However, there are often times we may fall in the trap of self-condemnation, and mistakenly regard false humility as true humility.

Back to that silent room my friend and I were in. She gave me a little sermon on how to receive, how to have faith on God in our spiritual growth, and how self-condemnation would actually cripple my spiritual life and my faith (details can refer to my earlier post on Aug. 12th). I closed my eyes as I listened to her sharing, and after a short reticence, I took a deep breath and said, “I am faithful.” My friend smiled and satisfied, while I was basking in the sense of lightness by being relieved from the heavy burden.

Later on I noticed one of the reasons I felt so uneasy to say “I am faithful” was because I compared myself to those prayer warriors our pastor mentioned in his sermons. Those real stories about people who prayed 6 or 8 hours a day for 20 years and then revival finally came to their city. I perceived a clear dividing line between being faithful and being unfaithful, and I condemned myself as unfaithful because I couldn’t pray as much as those faithful people did. But I forgot the fact that every character and spiritual fruit is a heavenly inheritance at the first place, and is a growing process throughout this life. When we say “I am faithful,” it doesn’t mean we are already perfect in being faithful. And indeed we can never be perfect in this life. But rather, we set our feet on the journey to learn to be faithful, and He will grow us to be more faithful. So does other spiritual fruit.

Yes, there’s no good in us apart from the Lord (Psalm 16:2). But since Jesus dwells in us, He is so gracious to refine our life and let us shine part of His beauty and goodness. Completely denying our own value and think we are useless as garbage is not true humility, neither is it the way God sees his beloved children, but a false humility that can paralyze our growth and faith. By true humility is to understand that His grace is sufficient for us, for His power is made perfect in weakness. (2 Cor 12:9) It is a true understanding of how much we need God because of our weakness, and how much He could grow us and move through us if we would constantly humble ourselves and obey to Him as a broken vessel.