(super long, with lots of writing flaws because I am too sleepy to proofread, but genuinely from my heart)
“Can my family adopt you so you can stay here?!” Holding back her tears (induced by sneezing and not grief, ahem, she insisted), my Coconut friend asked in grief after knowing that I didn't pass the defense and would have to leave.
“Adopt me as a human or a pet?” I burst in laugh and could barely speak. I felt bad for laughing so hard because she was seriously grieving for me.
But if I have to pick one thing among the many others that God has been teaching me in this process, it would be: the most miserable thing can ever happen to a person is not to fail an exam, lose the candidacy in a prestigious school, or get fired by a well-established company; but to lose hope.
I am thankful for my hope and identity are not built upon my academic career or my student candidacy here. After failing my first defense in early October until now, He has been so faithful to overflow me with surge of peace that surpasses my understanding. I know in my heart this is not because of my cheerful or optimistic character, but the profound peace and joy that can only be from God. And He completely protects my heart from any sense of distress, hopelessness, self-condemnation, bitterness or resentment. Compares to May after I passed my Generals, I could eat and sleep much better now. Because He set me free from a once heavy burden--
Back in the days of worrying about my Generals. I won’t forget that afternoon after class in my summer language programme in Japan. I was taking a walk to find a quiet place to pray for peace, because the stress kinda crippled me. On the way, I felt God revealed the biggest cause of my distress: not even the concern of academic achievement, but the fear of how people would see me if I fail. I imagined people’s reaction if I failed, “I already knew she can’t pass,” “it is not surprising,” etc.
But this time, He uprooted this fear and conquered with me the sense of shame, that I can freely share about this failure and my feelings. Because my ultimate identity is rooted in Him, not by my performance, but by His unfailing love. Jesus promised His burden is light and His yoke is easy. If we truly come to understand who we are to Him and who He is to us, I believe all heavy burden of the fear of men, desire of men’s approval, sense of shame will gradually fall apart. And how light and free our life could be.
Did I cry? Yes, one time. When I was talking to a friend over dinner, telling her how much my heart was moved by the streams of genuine love and care poured out by friends around me into my life. My Coconut friend who has been so committed ever since I started working on my prospectus, and she told me this after my second defense, “Pray for God’s will for the next step! I am willing to fast for you! And I edit the heck out of your applications and show you what actual editing looks like!!” I know it’s not just an effusive statement made in emotional moment, but she really means it. In the past few months, this friend has been supporting me so faithfully by praying, listening (I LOVE it when people listen by their heart), cheering me, and editing my writing for multiple times, and so on. When she said there were things she could do better in editing my prospectus drafts, I want to let her know, she already did so much for me, even in her inconvenient time. Her genuine love and steadfast commitment means unmeasurably much to me, more than she understands.
Treasuring a friend by heart always sounds a very abstract thing for me. But this friend demonstrates it in very substantial ways.
And I can’t express enough gratitude to my dear families and friends, who felt sorrowful for me even when I was feeling okay. All the prayers and support, along with promises of cooking / buying me food, commitment to offer different kinds of help that I don’t even know how to make good use of all of it. I truly don’t deserve any of this.
I am very thankful to a special friend, who is always so willing to listen to me, remembers my sharing (even rambling and random ones), and believes my peace is a real gift from God, and who told me, “Although you don’t seem needing much support, you’re already so joyful and peaceful. Just know that I am always here to support you. You can share with me if any negative feeling ever comes up.” It struck my heart when this came from the lips of a friend who rarely being so expressive over conversations. I know this is always a trustworthy relationship to lift up burdens together, and to share both joy and sorrow, alongside with her deep understanding of my heart, that in times she just knows what I am going to share even before I finish my little presentation.
Next step? I don’t know for now. But I am waiting in anticipation, while try to be more diligent (as I should) to look for different options. There are times we wait in anxiety or even fear, as if we care about our life more than Jesus does. But I learned a lesson from a small travel experience.
I was traveling with two friends in Kobe last year. We walked a lot and ate a whole lot, and we just went back to our room and rest after a fun yet tiring day. The next day when we were packing and preparing to leave, my friend came and told me, “Actually, we saw a cockroach when you were not in the room last night, but we chose not to tell you so you wouldn’t freak out.” And I think they did right.
In a truly trustworthy deep relationship, we would know and believe that if our friends doesn’t tell us something immediately, they are considering about our good. I trust my Friend who has been so faithful in carrying me all through ups and downs, whose heart is always for me even amidst deep waters or fire, and who will continue to uphold His faithfulness not because of how good I am, but how profound his love and care are for me.
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