“Hang in there,” “our body will soon adjust after the third day,” etc. Team members who committed to a 7-day fast were encouraging each other in the group channel, while I was about to break fast that night after a 3-day one.
Last Sunday lunch, two members made a call for a 7-day fast to seek God’s will and breakthrough. Almost half of the group joined in, but I wasn't sure because of two reasons. First, 7-day is a long time. Second, I felt God had put a 3-day fast calling in my heart, even before my friends brought up the 7-day call. Finally, I decided to stick with 3-day.
Second day was the hardest when the sense of hunger (if not starvation), muscle pain, physical fatigue and palpitation came as an unexpected attack. Their visitation was way earlier compared to my last long fast. But in God’s grace, the glorious moment of breaking fast eventually arrived. I was done.
Looking at the group messages sent by people who were fasting seven days, I was particularly grateful for God put the 3-day idea in my heart before the 7-day call. Otherwise, if the order changed, I would easily fall into the trap and think it may be just me being lazy or unfaithful, and not want to commit to seven-day. There was a point of doubt, “Even members who joined the ministry way after me, they are doing five or seven days. Am I not determine enough or not faithful?” But getting back to my first 3-day calling, this trap was resolved.
This semester is tougher than I ever expected. In one or two ways it has been more intense and complicated than last year. I have not been meeting up with people as regularly as I did, and as many friends as I did. And in many ways I haven’t been as faithful as last year.
I saw growth of depth in my prayer life, but in times I kept falling into traps of self-condemnation, I thought of how ridiculous my life was, how slow my spiritual growth had been, how unfaithful I had been. To a point that I felt uncomfortable when my friend told me she wanted to learn from my faithfulness and to be like me. To a point that I emailed a friend because I thought she should find someone more trustworthy and faithful to bear her deep burden.
The weekend before my first draft due, we had a campus event that I found so hard to love the students genuinely. After I came back from Taiwan and rushing for the second draft, there were retreats two weekends in a roll with two campus events. I got frustrated by how preoccupied my mind was with the draft, and how unable I was to genuine care about and serve those students whom I didn’t have a personal relationship with.
But during worship time of a campus event, I felt like God interpreted an image I saw in Taiwan for me.
When I was in a worship session in Taiwan, I felt like I saw an image of a circle, divided into three equal parts as the logo of Mercedes Benz, and I saw fire, streams of water and wind in that three compartments. I didn’t quite understand the image until the recent campus event. At that worship time, I felt like God was telling me the interpretation of that image: I might feel like I had been put into fire, stormy waves and raging wind; but the fire is to burn away the things that are not from God, so as to make room in my heart to host his fire; the waves come with the streams of living water to renew my heart; and the wind to blow away other remnant but to refresh my mind.
This also reminded me of a prophetic word my friend gave me a while ago. She told me she felt like God has been stretching me like a stalactite. The formation of a stalactite takes a long time, and it might not look like that much different on a daily basis.
While there are occasions we should push harder to press in, I believe there are also seasons we grow like a stalactite, in a long yet promising progress. In the latter seasons, one of the assignments is to have grace on ourselves and allow time for us to grow, just as Jesus is patient with us.
He is our shepherd not just to provide what we need, but he knows the best pace for us. There are times I am too lazy and walk too slow, but there are also times I try to strive or blame myself to force myself to grow in a faster pace, which just did not end well.
One thing I learn from this recent struggle is, to learn to see myself as he sees me. If he doesn’t condemn me, why would I condemn myself? If he still chooses to love me despite knowing all my vulnerabilities and shortcomings, why would I dislike myself in times I stumble or screw up? If he puts trust in me, why would I completely deny the goodness he puts in me? And if he already promises to guide my steps in his perfect pace, why would I try to strive on my own but not depending on the most trustworthy shepherd?
After all, he doesn’t demand me to contend on my own before I could come back to him. In contrast, he asks me to dwell in his presence knowing that he contends before me, and I learn to be faithful to contend in his might and strength. For he is my shepherd.
A close friend who has been faithful to pull me out from the trap of self-condemnation prayed for me recently, she told me she felt God was really proud of me for the way I walked with him the past year and even the past month, and his arms are around me because he loves me. I believe that God speaks to me through this special friend, and I know she is a genuine person, therefore I trust and value her words. But both of us know that, God’s pride (which is full of love and mercy) of us is by no means because of our perfectness, in fact he is the one who knows the best on how imperfect we are. But he delights in hearts that want to love him and chase him, regardless of how imperfect they are.
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