My prayer

Jesus, when fear, anxiety and uncertainty come, I would still proclaim You are my Lord. 
Jesus, allow me to confess how lack of faith I am. I had no idea how I slept so poorly these two nights. And honestly I don't know how to fix the things. 

And Jesus, frankly this year I sometimes hate myself. Despite all the blessing and comfort I received and witnessed, I still fail to put a greater trust in You. "Nothing is greater than my God, not even death", "God has the best life plan tailor-made for me", "In You there is rest, peace and joy", etc; being a Christian for 13 years I know and I can write all these faith statements. And in fact I often write some of them to encourage others. But You know, when I am the one who is on the trial, I just turned to be another person. 

I proclaim You are my Lord, but I fail to wholeheartedly trust that You already got a super clear plan for my life. Like five years ago I would never imagine myself to be in where I am, but You already knew it, even before time began.

I remember and give thanks for the abundant grace You have given to me, yet I fail to turn them as an assurance that You are going to lead me for the rest of my life.

On the one hand, I tell people You are love; but on the other hand I just fail to live up to this truth. 

It just feels like I stumble everyday, I sort of lose the motivation to read as much as possible. The sense of uncertainty is like a lingering torment. From time to time it gets so strong to overwhelm faith and hope. Not to mention perseverance. 

And You know, that day when I was drinking my Snapple lemon tea, I saw the Real Fact "Your skull is made up of 29 different bones." I do think I owe those 29 different bones an apology, because it takes so many pieces of bone to protect a mediocre brain. The brain that is neither smart nor diligent enough; the brain that is always always, and I mean always being so shortsighted; the brain that fails to transform the little faith into even small real actions like not to worry that much. 

I literally have nothing to boast. Yet except one thing. You, my Jesus. 

I will never cease to hold onto You, coz only You are my Savior. I promise to try to hang on, in the hopes of:
1) Really get to know You more and experience You more in my life
2) Creating a rewarding journey with You
3) Growing stronger in faith
4) One day I am going to be a blessing to others through the struggles I've been through

Jesus, remind me of Gideon in his young age. When he and his people were preparing to fight against Midian, You told him, "You have too many men. I cannot deliver Midian into their hands, or Israel would boast against me, 'My own strength has saved me.'"

God I pray that while I learn to be more diligent, my ultimate focus would not go to my incompetence, , my unfaithfulness, my broken English, and so on; but only goes to You. We are loved in our brokenness, and strengthened in our weakness. Limitations do not limit us to see Your glory. 

In Jesus name, Amen.