Hello Jesus

Hello Jesus,

The informal sermon last night was so convicting. Actually I have been feeling a bit discouraged. I really don't want to be complacent of just doing "good works", let alone I am not really doing that much. Neither do I want to bring lives to myself instead of You. I know these are not what I ultimately called to do.

Jesus, I'm sorry to say that. But for most time ministry is like a deferred hope. Maybe You would move and plant the seed into sprout tomorrow, next month, next year, or the day right before I leave Princeton, etc. No one knows. In my mind I know that with your precious promise I should be able to stay content to wait patiently and work faithfully. Nonetheless, after doing the same things (like a weekly routine) for a certain period of time, I can't help but hesitate whether I am doing the right thing or not. Like, whether it is something you entrusted me, or I am just 勝手にしている? Or worse, am I simply messing up the life ministry? Or the worst, will there ever be a time of blossom...? It feels like at a standstill even I tried different ways. My eyes have not seen any breakthrough yet. I would love to ask for your anointing, but at the same time I realise I should be much more faithful and diligent.

"Let me see redemption win."

But Jesus, my friend, You are really faithful. Thanks for letting me read that uplifting message this dawn.

「だって普通は神を伝えるために、自分という器が立派なほうがいい、と考えるから。自分が魅力的なほうが、神様を伝えられる。立派じゃない自分は、イエスを伝える器にはなれない、と信じているから。

......

神学校を出て、伝道者となって初めて任地に向かうとき、わたしは不安だった。自信がなかった。クリスチャンらしいクリスチャンにならねばと苦しんでいた。そんなわたしに先輩の牧師が教えてくれた。「自身はいらない。確かに確信があればいい」と。

自信などいらない。それよりも、あなたが伝えるものが最高のものなのだとの確信を持っていきなさい。あなたがどんなに自信にあふれ、魅力てきな人間であっても、伝えようとする内容に疑いや恥じらいを抱くのであれば伝道者とは言えない。逆にあなたがどんなに欠けの多い土の器、安皿であっても、伝える福音に確信を持っているなら、救われた喜びを知っているなら、あなたは伝道者です。

その先輩の言葉は、わたしの心のなかで今も静かに燃えつづけている。」

塩谷直也が書いた『忘れ物のぬくもり』のなかの「機関車トーマスで行こう」（ページ117-121）からの抜粋

I will hang in here. I won't rely on myself, but on You alone. Transform my life and let me see Your glory. If this is really what You've entrusted me, regardless of how insignificant it looks to the world, I just won't even ask whether it worthies or not. I am at your disposal for this life seed. And I believe the day of blossom will eventually come.

"Heal my heart and make it clean
Open up my eyes to the things unseen
Show me how to love like You have loved me

Break my heart for what breaks Yours
Everything I am for Your kingdom's cause
As I walk from earth into eternity"

Yours,
Chris