It's okay. It's okay.

Hey Jesus,

It's been a while. The small struggle took place in my heart today made me understand two things.

1) It's okay to feel reluctant when we have to offer or sacrifice something. The ideal is that we take delight in every chance to serve You and love people, in the way You love us. That means the perfect and unreserved way. But practically it is impossible in most cases. Not even between parents and kids.

Jesus, how did you feel before you being caught and brought onto the cross? That must be horrible. The Bible just tells us that You prayed very hard in the place called Gethsemane, and got even more sweaty than I was in Japan last summer. And in the prayer You asked Father God to “take this cup from” You. The hours before being putting onto the cross must be so terrifying… The horror seems not less than the hours You were actually on the cross. I am sorry You had to go through all these for us. And I am grateful that You went through all these for us. This is certainly not something I would be interested to try… Not even a tiny bit of taste…

What is even more impressive is that Your prayer did not end by “take this cup from me.” But “Yet not what I will, but what You will.”

What I took from Your struggling prayer is that, it’s okay to feel reluctant because we all have weaknesses. What matters most is really not the reluctance or anxiety or fear in the process, but what decision we make and how we are going to carry it out till the end.

You did not hide your fear and weakness. Even in fear and weakness, You chose His way.

2) On a few aspects I might push myself a bit too hard. There are so many aspects ranging from study to prayer that I am so idle and should have to work harder. Yet I felt like meanwhile there are also a few things I might possibly push myself a bit too hard.

You are not calling us as slaves and to stress ourselves out, but Your children and friends who would enjoy being with You. May I not rely on myself, but on You. On the aspects (very few though I believe) I am putting too much pressure on myself, could You teach me to allow myself time and space to grow? Even just one small step at a time, I believe You still find delight in me.

From the beginning till the end, what You care the most is not what ministries we have done, how many people whom we have shared the Gospel; instead, it’s our relationship with You. イエスあなたと私の繋がりだ。その破れない絆についてだ。

Jesus I also found that the current prayer planning is not so sustainable. I promised You to pray for the three people everyday. But sometimes I just get tired or feel running out of words to pray for them. I treasure and care about the three people, and I really want to be faithful to pray for them. Therefore I think for now it’s better to step back for a more sustainable plan, instead of occasionally break the ideal planning. Instead of every single day, I am thinking doing Monday to Friday, and give myself a break to refresh during weekend.

Maybe I am thinking too far, but if that’s the group of people (in ethnic or nationality sense) You call me to serve in the future, it is a high chance that I might not have a faithful and supportive group working with me as Core Team is doing now. For sure there are fervor believers who are much more devotional than me. But the cultural context is so different. Unlike here, many people might not even know about You, not to mention knowing You.

I am still very childish. But someday if the revealed Calling is to serve the people in a way without compliments like “thank you, Chris, you’re so awesome” from Core Team, I would still hang in and find satisfaction in You. I believe the prayer for the three people is a training of this sort. There is not a ministry specifically established for this group of people, probably the number is too small. With the special kind of openness, I really don’t know what I can do. But Jesus, if it’s not the timing yet, I will just hang in and wait. Thanks for entrusting me the small yet beautiful garden. I would cuddle this field. I really find delight in the interactions and the learning of prayer. Please use me in whatever ways You find fit to serve these people. Be it my strength or weakness. Teach me how to love and serve these people, even though this might come with a price tag. You love them, and they are so special and precious.

"And I know I'm weak. I know I'm unworthy to call upon Your name. But because of grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed."

Finally, I think the tricky thing is, by nature we are so unworthy yet You consider us worth for Your sacrifice.  

Oh and thanks for the prompt response to my prayer this afternoon. When I saw that, I immediately realised You really listened to my prayer.

Your child who miss the seas and seafood in Hong Kong and Japan very much,
Chris