Refine me

Hello Jesus, Hello Jesus.

Thanks for being so faithful to me, and came to my rescue whenever I am in urgent need of it.

These two months You really pushed me to my limit. And sometimes I got desperate as if falling into the deepest and darkest valley.

The exam and research stuff concerned me to a point that I didn't feel hungry at all even I hadn't get any food for two and a half days. December was a miserable mess.

So coming to January, I experienced such enormous reluctance in some life ministries that I just wanted to give up. I didn't want to care anymore. "Why would I care so much? Why am I doing all these? Why don't just focus on my stuff, and enjoy my own life?" My heart cried out in certain moments.

The feeling was tricky. I mean, I prayed that I could get closer to You, and You would send me to serve Your beloved people. That means trials and difficulties are required. Without them there aren't many other ways to achieve real breakthrough. Neither are there other ways to recognise the pride that hid deeply in my heart.

At a point, I really wanted a break from You. "Just give me a break, and stop pushing to pour out anything more. I also have emotion. I also have reluctance." This was more or less what I told You in one or several prayers.

This walk was full of struggles and pain. BUT, I could never make it without You.

Thanks for letting me went into the trial of faith. Without an advisor, without much energy left to proceed, and with tiny chance to get things done; yet with You I have everything I need. You made Your comfort so strong to me, as well as the assurance of how faithful You are. Yes, You never forsaken me. Even You did not prevent me from trials, You have always been here with me. Even in times I felt like You've gone.

Thanks for stirring my heart and push me to experience the reluctance of serving some people. I floundered a lot, yet You never condemned me for screwing up Your ministries. Without all these, I wouldn't realise how much more I should lay down and empty myself. I would never notice the pride that hinders me to be more humble.

And thank You so much. After going through all these, I started to see fruit.

Last night when my roommate told me how comforting our prayer time was to her, I knew that it is You working at the back stage. When she came up to hug me, I felt the honour and the joy to serve.

It sounds insane to keep asking Your refinement after went through all the struggling times. BUT, 

Refine me. Cleanse me. Humble me.

Ground me in a low position until I learn to surrender myself and rely on You completely, until I have pure heart and clean hands; lest I boast on myself instead of You.

Prepare the hearts. Till the soil. Orchestrate circumstances to let me serve better. People out there, they are like me, all are Your beloved children that You paid the huge price to ransom.

I pray that such prayer will not be a whim, but a life-long prayer.

~Chris

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