(super lengthy, but heartfelt sharing after the crazy written exams)
Finally submitted my written exams. After four and a half days of scooping memories out of my brain and vomiting words. This had been one of the hardest, if not exactly the hardest, time ever since I came here. So much ups and downs physically and mentally. The second day I hit the lowest point in terms of physical and mental condition, which made me want so badly to just give up. There were times I thought I couldn't hang in anymore; and times I thought there's simply no way to finish all seven questions on time. Yet it also had been the period I experienced Him the most. In a time I had nothing to rely on but Him. Regardless of the times I being faithful or unfaithful, His faithfulness has remained steadfastly unchanged, as promised. Regardless of the result, I am so thankful for His faithfulness to bring me through.
When I asked why there couldn't be slight sunshine to cheer me up a bit but just cloudy, foggy and depressing weather throughout four days, He told me because He listened to my prayers and is refining my heart to take Him as my greatest joy in life. Not weather, not achievement, not any other thing. But Him and Him alone. And every evening there would be a short time when sunshine and blue sky appeared after a whole day of tough work. A beautiful reason to declare His steadfast faithfulness by night.
He is also so generous in manifesting His love through amazing friends around. No word can express how thankful I am for everyone in Princeton and Hong Kong who prayed and showed love and support all along. I want to especially say thanks to the following companions in faith:
- In a night when I felt so hard to focus on my study, a close friend came to pick me and made me an incredible study break by leading worship and offering prayer for an hour. This was THE MOST AWESOME study break I ever had in life. So full of His presence and love. And she brought me snacks with explanation on why she thought I would like each of them. Some she saw me eating before, some she observed from the types of snacks I brought from Hong Kong. It left my eyes and mouth wide opened on how considerate and attentive she was. In fact this was not the first time she being so supportive. But throughout the two years we know each other, she’s always one of the most patient special friends to listen to me, and tells me how much she treasures my rambling sharing. I am super thankful for this genuine friendship.
- An awesome friend who asked if I need anything when we ran into each other. Upon my aggressive request, she prayed for me and got so excited to tell me, "I am so encouraged to be able to pray for you!" I was so shocked and I really want to be more humble as she does. And when I texted to share my struggles, she’s always so faithful to pray and intercede. She’s so trustworthy that I would feel safe to share prayer requests.
- Last night was a toiling time with unfinished questions and horrible weather. It suddenly rained super heavily when I tried to go back to my apartment, and then the zipper of my backpack broke that I couldn’t close it. Jesus sent a faithful friend who rushed to leave the lab and came to rescue me by sharing her umbrella and carrying all my books until we got plastic bags in her dorm. I won’t forget the way we walked under the rain, and how she steadily encouraged me from time to time till today, the last day of my written exams. She’s one of the few people here who know how high maintenance I actually am. This is one of the friendships that I would sometimes feel bad for receiving more than pouring out. And I always learn so much from her serving heart. Thanks for the genuine love and constant support.
- My mentor I respect a lot sent me scripture and prayer EVERYDAY over the past four and a half days, and always willing to do the tedious job of keeping me on the right track fantastically over 14+ years. After hearing my submission of the exams, she told me she’s thankful to have this opportunity to pray with me and to rely on Him!
- Last but not least, my beloved family who always care about my spiritual and physical well-being on top of any other things including my grades. Their love surpasses geographical distance and always be my unfailing support.
Again, I did not do anything to earn these humble friends and their faithful services. It is completely His grace and mercy, and their faithfulness to serve this not-so-reliable friend. All I could do is to always be thankful, and to learn to humbly serve others as I been served.
Regardless of the result, I give thanks for all the amazing ways He has been keeping me. It is not up to me to judge how my study skills enhanced after the tough preparation and exams over the past few months. But one thing I am entirely sure is that He has been so faithful to grow me a lot as His child over this trial. Not in a sense that I became more holy and faithful, for no one can achieve these in their own effort. But in a way that I learned to be more open to bring my vulnerability before Him, who gladly promised to be our strength and our shepherd all the time. Thanks Jesus, for You made me come alive.
I think someday I probably would even miss this crazily tough and struggling exam period. For His presence and joy had been manifested so strongly in my weaknesses.
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