(BP) Shame, undone

For more than half a year I didn't have the courage to share with friends who are not Christian about me joining a campus ministry from last October, and that I would be away from campus every other weekend to go to retreats, and that we have commitments to organise Christian student conferences in January and April.

Because, I didn't want to bring shame to His name. Last academic year, the third year, had been a critical one because of the comprehensive exams.The exam result (pass/fail) basically determines whether graduate students can continue to study here. I pictured what people would say if I fail the exam. "I knew that she's not going to make it, for she spent so much time to do other things instead of studying for the exam." "She could do the church thing after passing the exam, or next academic year, but..."

By His grace and mercy, I passed the exam. The next day right after passing the exam was our final retreat for this academic year. It was during the worship on Friday night, I told God about my worries of bringing shame to His name because of my unfaithfulness and incompetence, and I thanked Him for guiding me through the hectic ordeal. But I felt He told me this in my prayer, “My child, this is the least thing you have to worry about, because all the shame I already paid off in Calvary.” It deeply touched my heart.

Probably many of us have had experience of wrestling with our life desire to glorify Him and with our ministries. We might also have experienced the worries of messing up His plan due to our unfaithfulness or incapability. When some friends are so kind to share with me their life stories and even deep struggles that they seldom tell others, I sometimes felt it would be more awesome if they could talk to a more faithful and anointed believer to receive prayer and intercession. But I was convicted this could be another way of being prideful, for by thinking this way I am relying on myself but not on Him and His might to serve.

“Sigh, God is so great to give me the honour to serve, even though there are so many better options and more faithful people that He could send.” I told my friend when we were sharing about ministries recently. “Chris, think about how God looks at you. And don’t look at yourself below that. For the things He entrusts to you, He knows that you are faithful and mature enough for them. He has trust in you.” She reminded me of a precious lesson.

After all, Jesus is the one who touches and moves in people’s heart. He only requires us to be faithful, and the outcome is in His hands under His sovereignty. And ultimately, what He cares the most is not even the number of people we evangelise or minister to, but our intimate relationship with and genuine heart to Him. All the shame had already been paid off in Calvary.